I was asked by TheSomersault.com to write the ‘habits of highly effective twitter users’… of course I took it completely seriously…
YEARS ON TWITTER:
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT TWITTER:
The thing I like most about Twitter is that it’s light blue. Because if it was dark blue it’d look like facebook. And if it was pink it’d probably be full of Barbies, and they are plastic and won’t tweet much because of their little hands and lack of brains. Sometimes I get skype and twitter confused because the colours are too close. So If I start tweeting things like “Nanna, turn your camera off – I can see you in the bathroom” I’ve mistaken it again. Colours can be confusing.
MY HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE TWEOPLE:
I am in no way an ‘expert’ on Twitter. In fact, I’m not sure anyone can call themselves an ‘expert on Twitter’ – I find it as exemplary as calling one’s self an ‘expert at life’. Much like life, we just do what we think is a good idea, talk about what WE like, and try to do things in OUR way. This will make some people want to high-five you and say “HEY, me too!” and other people want to cross the street when they see you coming… which is fine. Sex is private and shouldn’t be done on the street anyway.
Most of the effective ways of using twitter are common sense… You’d think everyone has that – but hot coffee from McDonalds still needs a warning label so perhaps twitter needs some guidelines too. Twitter does have a few more parameters than life, and based on these simple ideas of a public forum – I shall highlight my top 6 Habits that I think we should try to live by. I mean tweet by. (But I still burn my tongue on hot coffee)
“Are you not entertained!?”
If you’re in a sulky or emo mood; keep it off twitter. No one likes a whiner, even though misery loves company. I find it better to just cry into a tub full of ice-cream. Because then you can tweet valuable things like “ice-cream mixed with salty tears is a flavour explosion. Salty & sweet. Your tongue and heart will thank you.” There’s enough going on in the world without people constantly hearing about your problems… Unless your problems are funny.
Have a purpose
Ask yourself. Why am I tweeting this? Who will care? Who am I? Is there a God? Who built the pyramids? Where is the Universe? (Some of these questions may be easier than others.) Sometimes we tweet to share general news or information that pertains to everyone. If this information will make people laugh, smile, scoff or roll their eyes – then even better! However, somethings are not worth sharing. And if you MUST tell someone, how about SMSing it to your mom? She loves to hear from you, and would be very happy to hear that your gym workout was excellent. Asking myself these questions helps me to not tweet the mundane & irrelevant things… aka: pretty much 99% of my thoughts. The other questions also help keep me awake at night. Insomnia is a great tool for tweeting. “Can’t sleep. Clowns will eat me.”
Short and sweet.
Now, short is usually sweet. (unless we’re talking men… but that’s an analogy for another day) Twitter gives us 140 words. Do not go into TMI (too much information) It is pretty widely agreed that those tweets are irritating. Be smart enough to fit it into 140 – or not at all. If you’re retweeting someone, edit their tweet to fit. You’ll look like a rookie otherwise. And twitter is nothing if not judgemental. While we’re on the ‘judgemental’ trip – avoid grammar and spelling errors at all costs. The sharks are waiting for one drop of ‘bad-grammar blood’ to spawn a feeding frenzy.
Don’t feed the trolls.
Again. Some people enjoy this, much like life. However, my credo is ‘always be nice’ (unless in traffic,) so I do not reply to nasty people, or engage in twitter wars, except to be the UN. (Basically speaking in lots of foreign languages and being useless to everyone.)
Don’t be vain.
You’re so vain. I bet you think this tweet is about you. People who retweet all their compliments and FFs are going to come across as vain. Just like someone who walks around staring into a mirror and blowing kisses at themselves. No one will like you. Although, staring into a mirror will prevent a muggar from attacking you from behind… however, you might walk headfirst into a pole. And Polish people are aggressive when disturbed. To avoid getting punched, it’s best to at least feign humility. For example: reply directly to thank #FFs rather than RTing them (if those abbreviations meant nothing to you, then you are beyond my help.)
Your grade one teacher told you this. And this is what I will tell you again. Go and hug a tree, and be yourself (unless yourself wouldn’t hug a tree. Then just read this and think slightly less of me for my foliage romancing.) Don’t try and emulate other tweeters, (and for God’s sake, don’t STEAL anyone else’s tweet) just talk about what YOU want to talk about. Retweet what YOU like. Don’t listen to a THING I’m saying in this, just talk about whatever YOU want. As clinical as the internet may seem, there is something undeniably transparent about twitter. Followers can sniff inauthenticity like dogs and bees can smell fear. Although, I don’t know if dogs can really smell fear, but they do smell your crotch.
This analogy just got weird. Go back and hug a tree. Then tweet about it. I’d follow that. (And watch out, boiling water is hot!)