Tag Archives: Cape Town

Netball at the Zando Cape Town 10s

When I was 8, I moved to my grandparents and started a new school. I was from a private, all girls, very colonial institute. I’m reticent to say we were girls, we were ladies. Then I moved. I moved Provinces, homes, guardians, and started at a public school that was co-ed and bilingual. (This was pre-1994, so as far as white South Africans were concerned, there were only two languages, English and Afrikaans – hence the ‘bilingual’ school. It should be 11-lingual. Which is quite intense.)

Now this little lady, who made a ‘whoosh’ sound when she pronounced the start of words like ‘where’, ‘why’, and ‘whence’ was about to meet her first Afrikaans kids, and the sport that they so revered.

Netball.

We didn’t have Netball in Durban, at my all girls’ school. I mean, maybe we did – but we also probably had chess club and no one knew about that either, although, chess was probably in higher esteem.

But along with learning the nuance of words like Komkommer, Kombuis and Kombers, (and discovering how much more fun school is when there are boys in tow),  I was also growing taller than my peers, thus proving myself an asset in the competitive world of Netball.

This story is really about my grandpa. Ted.

Once I mentioned that I was taking up Netball, my grandpa went out to his garage, that was really more of a workshed/habadashery/store-room, with just enough space for his old, matt-olive-green Chevrolet, with fluffy sheepskin seat covers, to snuggle into. (A car I would pretend to drop a pencil on the floor of whenever he’d pick me up from school, to lie down and hide from the leering gaze of other kids. My grandpa knew I would do that, and he’d laugh at me. There was no shame in that Chevvy. It was a “classic”.) My grandpa spent a few hours in his garage that evening, collecting old fishing-rods and binding them together (“See, there was a reason I kept these old things, never throw anything away!” The TV show hoarders would have run screaming from Grandpa’s garage.) And he fashioned a pole, much longer than the standard Netball goal’s pole. And then he put that pole on top of an old table. And he put that table on top of the garage. And he shaped a metal ‘hoop’ that he made sure was just big enough to fit the ball through.

“There. That will do it. Practice with this hoop, and you’ll be better than the others. You’ll be the best.”

“But it doesn’t work that way, Grandpa. Only two girls get to throw at goal. I’m not that position. I’m not good enough.”

“Practice. Get 10 hoops in a row, then you can go down for dinner. Hurry, it’s getting dark.”

And thus began my childhood equivalent to bootcamp. Practicing on a too-high, too-small netball hoop. 10 in a row, became 20, became 50, became backwards. Movie Montage to when I became so good that when I’d see the real hoops on school premises they’d look as big and low as swimming pools. And guess who got so good at scoring goals that she got promoted to the first team and was given the position of ‘Hulp Doel’ (which I believe is ‘Goal Attack’ in English) – the kid who gets to run around AND enter the circle to score goals. Yup. This little English Girl.

Thanks Grandpa.

Then, I finished Primary school, moved away to my mother and became far “too cool” to do any sports after school in High School.

Fast forward TWENTY TWO YEARS. Yes. 22 years. Holy crap. How did I get so OLD? (One of my new teammates IS 22, so THAT puts things into perspective…) Zando contacted me and asked if I’d like to take part in the Iconic Cape Town 10s, which is traditionally a Rugby thing, it is South Africa’s BIGGEST social, sport and lifestyle event of the year – and they told me they wanted me on the Celeb squad, and I could choose Netball, Volleyball or Dodgeball.

Ah Netball. My dark-horse. My secret skill.

So I signed up. (And then realised 22 years had passed since I’d played… perhaps all those rounds of Beer-Pong in between count? Probably not. But my aim, even when drunk, has remained pretty good.)

Tonight is our first practice. (I wanted to write rehearsal, because of the industry I’m in. And given that I’m with a team of actresses, radio personalities, TV presenters and News Journalists – I feel ‘rehearsal’ is a more adequate description of what’s about to happen.) We ‘rehearse’ tonight. And tomorrow morning at 8.45am (EIGHT FORTY FIVE AY EM????!!!!) We have our first match of the weekend. And it’s bound to be a hoot.

My Grandpa passed away in 2010. Before I started my comedy career. Before I would ever have been considered “known” enough to be invited to play on a ‘celeb squad’ of anything. But he was certain I was going to be a star. He was always my biggest fan. He doesn’t know me as a comedian, but he knows me as a netball player. And that is what I will do.

Probably badly. I’ll probably pull all the muscles, in all of the places. But I’ll be playing Goal Attack, the position my Grandpa made me earn, more than 22 years ago. And I know my aim is still better than most, and THAT, is at least something.

Some of our Netball squad. We’re one mind. It’s going SO well already.

(This post got pretty sentimental, but my Grandpa helping me with Netball is one of my favourite memories of him. SO DEAL WITH IT!)

If you want to come to the Zando 10s to watch the mayhem, to drink, to see and be seen, It’s this weekend. 3rd and 4th February 2017. Here is a link to the info. You can come and support all the teams in different sports – and this is the first year that DODGEBALL is going to be a fixture, and that should be hilarious. I didn’t choose it because I’m not nimble enough. 

*high five for High Nets*

Follow the action on #Zando10s

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Safe House – Reviewed.

So, today I got to go to the pre-screening of Safe House, starring Denzel Washington, Ryan Reynolds and CAPE TOWN.

You can read a bit about the backstory and see the trailer in my previous blog post here.

Safe House is set in Cape Town – for no reason other than it’s a cool place to be set. There is no political undertone, not once is there a ‘is it coz I’m black?’ subtext and there is very little reference to anything about WHY they are in South Africa in the first place.  None of the baddies are South African, all of the leads are foreign – no one is attempting a South African accent (where they undeniably fail, with the exception of Matt Damon in Invictus) and the bottom line is: Safe House is just a COOL movie, about CIA rouge operatives – with lots of guns, lots of chasing, lots of escapes and lots of COOLNESS. It makes Cape Town look beautiful, with some great helicopter shots coming over the mountain. And it doesn’t put South Africa in a bad light at all. Thank you Safe House for putting us on the map.

Now I’m a girl who generally doesn’t like shoot-em-up action movies, but Safe House is worth watching for lots of reasons (Ryan Reynolds’ abs aside). 90% of the scenes are recognisable places in the city, you get to hear sentences like “we’re tracking the suspect, he just turned into Darling Street” and “I’m out of the city – just getting into Woodstock now” (these things will make you bounce in your seat with glee if you are like me.)

There are lots of cameos by recognisable South African celebs in the form of Henchmen, cops and CIA intel workers. (Jenna Dover pulling off a believable American Accent)

You will get to chuckle with all the patrionism of a local as the geography of the car chase scenes make absolutely NO sense, and each cut sees the actors on roads in different parts of the city (but more photogenic) To an international audience, this will go past seamlessly – to us, it’s just a smug little giggle.

Spoiler Alert: There are Guns in the Movie!

The plot is an average CIA movie, not too many twists – not too complicated. The acting is great by the two leads with Ryan Reynolds even spitting out a few lines of Afrikaans – bravo! Our Greenpoint stadium even makes a cameo. The movie succeeds in making us look like a cosmopolitan city with a functioning infrastructre and police-force to be reckoned with. You won’t be cringing – you’ll be proud.

The most unbelievable part is that, during the high speed car chase scenes through the inner city like Long Street and Darling Street, there is not ONE pedestrian casualty. All the pedestrians dive out of the way of the cars, even when they ramp pavements. Now, anyone who has driven in Cape Town will attest to the fact that we are some of the world’s best drivers – because we are constantly having to be aware of jaywalking pedestrians EVERYWHERE. I chuckled at the notion of them diving out of the way of ANY car…

And ladies – if your patriotism isn’t enough to lure you to see a movie full of guns and punches, let me leave you with this:

Ryan Reynolds has a shower kissing scene in the first 5 mins. Yes. Yum.

And with that mental image nicely in my mind, I shall bid you all a very good night – and a Safe House.

*high Five*

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Woza Hollywood. Safe House

Never is there a moment of more collective patriotism than when South Africa appears in a movie. Like Blood Diamond, oh Leo with his 75% accurate SA accent. Then there was Invictus and Matt Damon’s 98% accurate SA accent and Morgan Freeman pretty much saying “Fuck you, I’m Morgan Freeman and Mandela sounds better with an American accent” – and we didn’t hate him for it.

These movies were cool. They were about Africa’s strife and South Africa’s success. Now there’s a REAL cool movie. That’s just about coolness, and guns and car chases and CIA/FBI and other stuff that’s supposed to be in movies with none of this “message” crap. And where did they film it? (If the answer isn’t South Africa, then this is a random introduction.) Yes. SOUTH AFRICA. Cape Town in fact.

It stars two of Hollywood’s hottest actors… Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds. Now I’d go see a movie starring those two ANYWAY.  Set it in Cape Town and I’m jumping for high-five JOY!

It’s a highly anticipated film. We all remember the roads being closed for the car chase scenes. Hearing about friends of friends who got cast as extras. Buying night vision goggles and camping outside Ryan’s hotel… (Just me?). Anyway.

Look at this:

My apartment block is in the top left of the photo! (I forgive you for not noticing anything past Ryan’s sexiness though.)

I am going to the premier pre-sceening on Friday the 3rd Februrary. At first I thought this meant that I was cool enough to get invited to rad events, but then I realised that it’s in the middle of the day, and what other layabout vagabonds did they know who had nothing to do on a school-day. But it DOES mean that I get to see the movie before anyone else, worldwide. (Except for maybe the film editors and director, I’m pretty sure they’ve seen it by now.)

Either way. RANDOM HIGH FIVE for the Safe House movie Premier. I am SO excited. I will have to pack an extra pair of panties (to throw at the screen)

Check out the trailer: *Cue squeals of joy as you notice landmarks all over SA*

*Random High Five to Prezence Digital for hooking a sista up*

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The Great Trekkie

Not that I’m a star-trekkie, but it’s not a real ‘trek’ unless you consider lugging a fake Louis Vuitton handbag through customs as a feat as dangerous as those ox-wagons over the mountains…

JO’BURG I’m Coming for you.

I’m strapping my money to the inside of my bra (not coz I’m used to it being slid there by strangers, but to keep it safe from muggers…) and I’m heading up to the big smoke. The city of Gold… the Burg that is Jo (Middle name, Hannes)

Going to be performing comedy at a few venues up there as well as catching up on some face-time with a few long lost besties.

I’m excited….

Here is my Comedy schedule:

Thursday 17th November 2011 – RODIZIO restaurant in Bedfordview with Samoka Entertainment.

Friday 18th November 2011 – Joe Parker’s Comedy – Monte Casino, Fourways.

Tuesday 22nd November 2011 – Joe Parker’s Comedy – Monte Casino, Fourways.

Wednesday 23rd November 2011 – Bubba J’s – Boksburg.

Back in the Mother of all Cities:

Saturday 26th November 2011 – Synergy Live Festival – Comedy tent. Franschoek

Monday 28th November 2011 – Joker’s Comedy – Massimo’s, Main Rd, Plumstead next to Ocean Basket

Wednesday 30th November 2011 – Joker’s Comedy – Depasco’s/Sabrina’s c/o Kloof and Buitensingel Rd

Thursday 1st December 2011 – Jou Ma Se Comedy Club – The River Club, Observatory.

(If there are any gigs that you have or know of on other dates, Please contact me, especially on the 19th, 20th and 21st in Joburg.)

Below is a little youtube of me, talking nonsense about my comedy career. Or as I like to call it, a ME-Tube.

*Comedic High Five*

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Our First Time

Talking about my first time with two guys. (Right. That opening sentence should secure the hits from porn website browsers)

But, contrary to popular leaked internet videos, we’re not talking about THAT first time… our COMEDY first time. (Which had more tears and less video cameras… or was it less tears and more cameras? both ended in awkward silence.)

Me and fellow comedians, Rustum August and Shaun Jejane Hung out on Long street with Peter Sserwanga and his video camera.

*comedic high five*

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Slutwalk – Cape Town.

The City of Cape Town’s ‘SLUTS’ deserve the ‘epic jumping high five‘ of the weekend.

If you were in the Greenpoint area on Saturday midday you would have thought it was some kind of gay-pride march – there were men in skirts, women in skirts, men with no tops on and WOMEN with no tops on (but itty bitty pieces of black tape stuck over the naughtiest bits, officer). And whilst the atmosphere was indeed ‘gay’ and jovial, and whilst there were Lesbians with banners and gay men with stilettoes – the topic was bigger than that. Sexual orientation aside. It was protesting the label of ‘Slut’ on women who dressed in a manner not becoming a 1950’s housewife.

It all stems from some Toronto, Canada Policeman (Who probably starts each day with a nice resounding *face palm* at the flippant remark he made that has now sparked, what some are calling, the biggest feminist movement in 20 years.) This Policeman, one Mr Michael Sanguinetti was giving a speech in January 2011. In this speech he suggested that one way University Students might prevent rape was to “avoid dressing like sluts.” *cue gasps of outrage*

Well, how flinging flanging DARE he!? Now – before you go and think he might have a point… what about women in jeans and sweaters who get raped – Are they just unlucky? and Muslim ladies in Burkas? Are they ‘asking for it’ too?

Protesters in Cape Town's SlutWalk (C)2011 Tarjei Langeland, all rights reserved

And quite frankly, why should women have to cover up in order to protect MEN from having to restrain their sexual urges? As one sign defiantly said: “Don’t tell me how to dress, tell him to keep his pants on” Of course, this topic is a little closer to home for South Africans because we all remember our President Jacob Zuma’s rape trial where he stated that the woman wanted sex because she wore a skirt.

Well, we DO declare. And we DID declare. In our slutty droves. “No means No – Yes means Yes”

Wikipedia told me: Co-founders of the movement Sonya Barnett and Heather Jarvis (High-fives – ladies!) observe that historically, “slut” has had negative connotations, and their goal is to redeem the term. They write that women “are tired of being oppressed by slut-shaming; of being judged by our sexuality and feeling unsafe as a result.” They continue: “Being in charge of our sexual lives should not mean that we are opening ourselves to an expectation of violence, regardless if we participate in sex for pleasure or work.” Sanguinetti later apologized for the remark. *High Five*

Me, Spelling it out for you.

I’d like to give highfives to the 2000ish Cape Tonian people who were there.

I’d also like to offer high-fives to the police and the City of Cape Town, for closing the roads and making sure it all happened without a fuss.

(C)2011 Tarjei Langeland, all rights reserved

And these guys: Nathan and Zach, who were 16 and came on their own accord. *high five*

Looking is free - Touching will cost you 25 to life.

In my opinion, The march was a success. Aside from some slightly repetitive chants, “Real men don’t Rape” and “It’s a Dress not a Yes” seeming to be the crowd favourites – I think we should brainstorm some Beyonce ‘girl-power’ songs or Aretha ‘RESPECT’ in time for next year’s one. Yes, It’s going to be an annual thing and Johannesburg has one coming up next month too. The first one was in Toronto in April 2011  (yes, only 4 months ago – and it’s already reached the southern tip of Africa – I did say it’s been branded the biggest feminist movement in 20 years. remember?)

After all of this, all of the press attention – the giant blisters I earned by doing the whole march in ‘slutty’ heels – carrying posters, making all the right moves… the BIGGEST high five of the slutwalk has to go to the photographer James Hu, who captured this moment:

Little boy tells me what he thinks of my Outfit.

Women’s liberation movement. Telling the world we aren’t sluts. Being so angry we made a sign…. and then, STILL being objectified by a 4yr old male… PRICELESS!

*high five*

I’m not a slut.

#ThatsWhatSheSaid

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Rainbowtastic.

OH MY GOD! It’s a Double Rainbow All the way!

@GrahamAndRobert: twitpic of the Double Rainbow over Cape Town this morning

Well today is one of those not so rare days in our Mother of all cities,  full of Monkey’s weddings.

No – not politicians getting married!  *who said that?*

I’m talking about that beast of mother Nature, demonstrating her female right to confusion, rants, kindness and then changing her mind again. Rain and Shine.

The result of a Monkey's wedding

The beauty of this is that it lends itself beautifully to splashing the sky with the all to prevalent pride flag, as seen on every building in Greenpoint. The Rainbow! No other word than “Fabulous” can describe them. We get excited, we take pics, we tweet them, we take videos… and if we see a double rainbow – then, well gosh – we just have a full on orgasm:

Halloween 2010 was Double-Rainbowliscious

Who can forget that guy? He’s amazing. *HIGHFIVE*

“Oh my god, it’s a double rainbow. All the way. What does it mean…. aaah ahhh aaaah. wooooooahhhh! ”

The Viral double Rainbow man. He Inspired the planet, caused a global rainbow worshipping phenomenon. That youtube has been viewed 28,034,092 times!

Woah. INTENSE!

And, If memory serves correct, he even made an appearance on Oprah. That’s INTENSE!

Someone tried to say that rainbows were made by refractions of light, by the sun on the water molecules.

Well, duh – what an idiot. Everyone knows they come from Unicorn farts.

Or as @Brandon_E suggested: Two Care Bears who got Drunk. Hell Yes!

I want to offer Random High Fives to that amazing dude in Yosemite Park for blowing his load over the rainbows. His name is Paul Vasquez and this is him on the right. (Looks pretty much exactly what you’d hope him to look like… minus maybe a polka-dotted top-hat.)

Double Rainbow Guy. (But What does it mean!?)

… I also want to Give random High Fives to anyone who’s ever seen a rainbow, and taken a pic – or thought; “Hey, Cool.”

And if you’ve seen a Rainbow farting unicorn flying through the sky? Lay off the mescaline, dude. Share it with me.

*High Five*

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Winter, the Old Hag.

As I type this, it is howling outside. That kind of howling that makes you snuggle down into your fluffy Eeyore slippers and feel safe and cozy listening to the rapping of horizontal rain whipping into your windows.

Ah, Cape Town’s winter has reared it’s ugly head. There are two kinds of people in this world. People who love cold weather and sane people. (I am neither.)

This morning I was torn from the glory of giving my pillow head, to venture outside for a modelling test shoot. Which on the whole, isn’t the crappest way to spend a day – unless the stylist has lots of vintage sundresses and outdoor things in mind. Guess where this is going? Yup.

Before the sundresses: This is me, "Warm"

I was freezing, in the howling wind… The kind of cold where you forget how sunshine feels, ever. and If you’ll ever be warm in your life again, with misty rain and soggy feet. The crew are miserable, people’s cardboard cut-out girlfriends and boyfriends are blowing away – and so are reflector boards. Exhausting for all involved. Maybe I’m just melodramatic. Maybe I’m right.

The bottom line is, I’m home safe. It’s dark out there now and I can truly say I am grateful that I’m in here. But that’s not true for everyone in South Africa. The knowledge that -right now- under a bridge there is someone who is colder than i was today, and hungrier – fighting against the thieving fingers of the Cape winds for their pieces of cardboard. Their “warmth”. Well, that breaks my heart. And it shouldn’t be allowed.

Now, our dear old Twitter has a form of solution. The Twitter Blanket Drivehttp://www.twitterblanketdrive.co.za/index.php  they are collecting blankets near you. All over SA. I beg you, remember how often you complain about having to “go out in the cold” imagine having to STAY out there.

Follow #TBDZA to find out where you can donate.

If you can’t donate a blanket then you MUST have an old jersey or two – you know the one with reindeers that Aunty Mable knitted? Or the old velore tracksuits that are so “Two thousand and Late”. Pass them on to someone who will treasure them. Or pack an extra muffin or hot pie in your lunch box to pass out to someone at the robots. Failing all of that: you could also not ignore homeless beggars, with the trained indifference that us Saffas have mastered, but – smile. Make eye-contact. Show them kindness. Is that slight annoyance for 30 seconds at a traffic light really going to ruin your day? Think about theirs.

There is a Japanese Proverb that goes: One kind word can warm three winter months.

Now it’s not like me to be serious and unfunny. And I promise not to go all green-peace on your asses. But the thought of the joy, hope and humanity that exists in that poor, cold soul under a highway overpass right now… receiving something warm. Well that’s a freaking high-five moment right there.

*High Five*

Me keeping warm between shots - At least I had a coat!

Remember: http://www.twitterblanketdrive.co.za/ and tweet it hashtag #TBDza

Cant get to a blanket drive? Other SA charities to donate to:

Help take the chill out of winter by donating warm clothes and blankets to iCare, the national charity that helps uplift the poor.

Siyanqoba Service Foundation Centre – Helping the Honeydew Squatter Camp community with regard to food and clothing.

No one likes lying in the wetness.

#ThatsWhatSheSaid

*high five*

 

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