Tag Archives: Valentines Day

Cute Valentine Puns (For the Cheapskate)

Ah Valentine’s day. Here are some adorable ways to get around the cliche of stuffed teddies.

It will earn you a slight shake of the head, a little sideways glance. Perhaps a coy smile and utterance of ‘oh, you silly thing you’.

And then, voila. Sex. (Hopefully)


Give your loved one the gift of roses. FIVE roses.

No one makes bette Valentine's day.. than YOU and five roses.

The World:

You always whisper about wanting to give her the world. Now you can:

You've got the whole world. In your hands.

You can place this in a little box and when they open it, you’re pretty sure to get laid by the sheer adorableness of you.

The world. Also Available in book form.

If your lover is more the ‘paper back’ kind of person, you can write a little inscription in the front. Something to be treasured forever. Longevity of your adorableness. You won’t have to wash dishes for DAYS.

Say how you feel:

Never sure about announcing your feelings? Grab a bottle of Olives, make a little sign on it that says “olive you” and there you go. You’re adorable. And you’ve avoided using the big L word.

James Bond had SWAG in his martinis.

Make sure they aren’t one of those types who hate olives ( you know what they say, you either love them or you hate them… or you think they’re ok.) Because then you say “Olive you” and they say “I hate Olive” which doesn’t really make sense… But it would get awkward.

Pop one in a martini and get her drunk enough to want to touch you.

Ho ho ho. Merry Valentines day.


Filed under Think Like a Man

V-Day D-day.

“You have to kiss a lot of frogs…. until you’ve kissed a thousand frogs.”

It’s that time of year again. When singles are forced to decide whether they are happy or sad to be single because all the couples adopt an air of smugness and every mall assails you with tacky pink and red ribbons, hearts and sugar-highs.

Valentines Day. *ugh*

I’m a happy, bubbly optimistic person all of the time. I’m not a cynic. But love has never been kind to me. This puts me in a conundrum. it’s valentine’s day. I want to yell ‘LOVE IS FULL RETARD’ and run away doing the ugly cry. But then you see. I am not really a cynic, like I said. And I’m not one of those bah-humbug people. Although, I’m really starting to doubt that I’ll ever be lucky in love. I’m certainly not lonely. I love my life. But I am trying to cultivate a disbelief in this fairytale love ‘crap’ ideal.

As many of you know, I often think of my little 6 year old self. I try to live each day to make her proud. I try to live my dreams. She would be very disappointed to see how I had given up on the notion of a prince. (although, come to think of it, she’d be very disappointed that I didn’t marry MacGuyver or Knight Rider. Knight Rider was the Hoff. What the hell did 6 year Old Angel know?!) It’s FUNNY to be anti-love and as a comedian I do embrace that. But that’s not really who the little girl in me is.

True story. Every wish i made as a child was to fall in love. Every single one. Birthday candles. Shooting stars. Lady bugs. Eyelashes and dandelions. We even had a copper frog statue on our entrance hall table (God knows why my mother owned that) but i would kiss it every morning on my way out to school, just in case. I went to an all girls’ school, I’m not sure who I thought I’d find. Perhaps it would have been easier had I just preferred Joanie to Johnny. But alas. That’s never been the side of the hockey-field I wanted to play on.

I guess my wishes all came true. I got pretty good at falling in love. But falling, by definition – hurts you. And boy oh boy. If you think a scraped knee is sore, Dear Six Year Old Angel, wait ’till you have a broken heart.

In spirit of Vday, I shall reflect on all the ghosts of Valentine’s past:

I’m usually single on Valentine’s Day. In fact, last year I ended things with a guy ON Vday because he wanted to get more serious… and I really didn’t. The year before that in 2010, was one of the only years I had someone.

Everlast? Not quite

I was all loved up with big batting lashes around cupid-infected eyes. He gave me bubble-gum pink boxing gloves (aww) And took me into the magaliesberg (awww) after brunch with his family (awww) then we abseiled through the canyons (aww) and had a picnic in the wilderness. (double awww.) What a keeper. Yeah…. No….. He wasn’t…. Clearly.

In 2009 i lived in Korea and the guy I was casually seeing was in the US Army, He had flu that weekend and quarantined himself for the weekend. So I went out and got drunk with my friends. But I did that every weekend anyway. A few weeks later we quarantined each other from the relationship.

One year in like 8th grade, we used to have to send carnations to each other and our friends on Vday, and then the humiliating process of the flower delivery coming class to class would ensue. So just to be sure that I wasn’t one of the awkward pre-teens with no-one who loved me, I ordered myself a carnation… Yes. That I was that lame. I got 2 that year. The other one from my BFF.

I can be romantic. One year in my early twenties I tried to win back a boy, whose heart I had broken, on  Valentine’s day by leaving a bunch of black-helium balloons on his front porch. He was an emo-kid. The black balloons were an ironic thing… I placed one red one on a longer string to rise above the black ones to represent love and happiness. It was an in joke. He got it. I thought I was adorable. He called me crazy, through incredulous laughter when he walked onto his porch and phoned me a few minutes later. He still didn’t forgive me though. He made the right choice.

Hell I even got “proposed to” one year on Valentines day (vomit) After one month of dating (double gag) Shame, bless him. We were kiddies in University. He hid the ring in a piece of purple tissue paper and placed it under the salad of the meal he had prepared (yes, stop laughing…  really)

Yes, Romance lies within this.

In the dim candle-light I thought it was that gross bitter purple lettuce, so avoided it. He got increasingly anxious. I had no intention of eating the purple lettuce. He had to point it out to me (this was not going well) I was touched and terrified. I wore the ring for a month (switching it to my right hand secretly in public). Then of course managed to break up with him. (whew) *awkward*

I’d have to say – all things considered, my most successful Valentine’s day was in std.4 or 6th Grade. I was a kid in Plettenberg Bay, it was the year Madiba was about to be made President – and I got 5.. yes FIVE real live cards from real live boys. 11 year old Angel had some GAME. I only kissed a boy when i was 13, so fat lot of good that ‘game’ did me. A week after V day it was back to name calling and pony tugging anyway. Those were the good old days. When a guy would pick on you for weeks and weeks, sending you letters across the class telling you how ugly you were, how funny your pigeon toes were (mostly applicable to me only) and then one day, you get that letter – surreptitiously passed across the class. You brace yourself for the insulting drawing or nasty limerick and then there it is: “Will you be my girlfriend?” with the three little check blocks drawn alongside. Yes. No. Maybe. A simple pencil tick would define the next few weeks of your love life. Who you’d share your sandwich with. Who you’d save a seat for on the bus. Who you’d push down the bully in the playground to defend.

The Ultimate Decider.

Life was simpler.

I guess what I’ve garnered from this is that even though life might seem to keep sending me hate-mail. Nasty limericks in the form of boys saying mean things, leaving me for other girls or just not being that into me. I guess, we have to keep opening those metaphorical letters. Coz one day it will have a question. A question that makes our heart smile. And maybe we’ll want to tick the ‘yes’ block.

Dear six year old angel, You win. Optimism triumphs yet again.

Besides, who am I even kidding. I love pink. And hearts. I should be in my element on V day. Even if I’m single. And I am.

Happy Flippen Valentine’s day.

*Love love love High five*

I will leave you with this fact:

@WhatTheFFacts : Women who remain single are likely to be high achievers of above-average intelligence.

Just saying.


Filed under Acts Like a Lady

Blogging up your Arteries…

February. The hottest month in South Africa.

The coldest month in the Northern Hemisphere, Which is just a double whammy. It’s Valentine’s Day, AND it’s cold. You want to stay indoors on the couch with a loved one when it’s cold. You are further reminded of your solitude in winter.

But Summer, oh summer. – Yet another reason to Live in Cape Town.

Cape Town, Oh Cape Town. Let me count the ways...

SInce I mentioned the ‘V Day’ word, you might think that this is worrying me and that I’m a love and bunnies kinda girl…

I know a bunch of people who would spray coffee out of their noses with laughter (presuming they were drinking coffee at the time that they read this) at the notion of me being a cushy girl who loves cheesy, romantic gestures. No, I am known by those who think they know me best as a ‘man-eater’… and not in the literal sense because last time I checked, Cannabalism was illegal in most of the known countries of this planet.
No, apparently I take men’s hearts and best intentions and break them.. or eat them if we are keeping with the literal sense.

Again, I feel this is a very harsh judgement and not one tiny bit true. The reverse happens to me much more, thus disproving the rule. Those people who know me even better than the aforementioned people who THINK they know me really well, will attest to the fact that, although cheese does make me cringe – and I’d rather be teased and high-fived than adored and serenaded by violin –  I am actually as big and kooshy as a big kooshy teddy bear. Or a big kooshy blonde girl, who is just on the wrong side of kooshy and wishes she was slightly more lithe and toned than big and kooshy, but that’s why Quentin Chong takes money out of my account every month so I can kick ass and take names at the Muay Thai Gym – Dragon Power (more on that soon.)

Well valentines day is this month. but I say “Bah humbug” to that consumerist nonsense.

Although, on consumerism: I think the mall should have a cupid whose lap you can sit on and tell him who you’d like for Valentine’s Day.

Yes, there is an arrow in my pocket. No I'm not happy to see you.

In case you are blessed, like I am, to be single on Valentine’s day. Then please, oh please, let’s high-five and be awesome out in public. Do not hide behind a bucket of Ice-cream and Robert Pattinson movies. (Athough, that sounds divine… Do that the next night!)

Hear me out though, because if you go out partying on valentines day, you can be assured that all the guys you meet are single and there will be no girlfriends lurking at home or (worse) around the corner where they just nipped off to the bathroom, only to return with fire blazing in their eyes with enough intensity to give you blind spots whenever you look at a man for sheer fear of eliciting a similar response…ever again.
So yes, no couples clubbing on valentines day. They will all be safely tucked on their couches watching romantic DVD’s or in cliched restaurants eating expensive dinners that are best eaten out of take out boxes on comfy couches watching dvd’s where you can throw your head back and laugh your mannish laugh without worrying about disturbing that doe-eyed couple in the corner who appear to be reciting sugary love sonnets to each other with chubby cherubs floating naked above them.

SO wear your high-heels (unless you’re a dude… although, what ever floats your boat) and high-five a random stranger.

This is the most free you are ever going to be, single compadres.

And non-single readers, the fact that you have read all the way to the end of this post shows me that there is perhaps some latent emotions there… hrm… good luck with that, and enjoy the sugar rush.


By: TwitterButtons.com

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Filed under Awesome Observations